This started as a G+ post Sunday afternoon, but I realize it’s important, deeply true, and I do not want it to get lost or missed. This is truly where I am in regards to my health & my life.
This morning at devotional the topic of my health came up after the topic of attachment.
I noted to a friend that they were much more attached to my health then I am. I realize I post about it a lot, but on the whole I’m at peace with the fact that this is where I am right now. Do I love it? No, who would? But I’m not angry or mad or upset, nor do I feel like god is testing me.
I am simply put: sick.
At this point, very sick in a world that is not equipped to help me.
I can do two things with this:
1. Accept it.
2. Get angry/mad/deny/etc
And I can either lose faith in humanity, god and everything else OR I can do the best that I can with the help that I have and just take one day at a time with the resources I have hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.
Sickness of the body does not mean sickness of the soul.
I choose acceptance. I choose being happy. I choose doing my best and preparing for the worst so those I love don’t have to do it if I pass suddenly.
I choose planning to visit friends, to make my brother’s wedding, and if I don’t live to do those things? They know deep in their hearts I wanted to be there, with them, and I will be in someway or another.
I choose to live my life and not anticipate what comes next. I live in now. I accept life.
And after this past week, I accept that death really does sit just on the far side of the hour – not just the night. It is darkest before the dawn they say, but it also right before dawn that people most often die.
I say to you, right here, right now. I am at peace. I am content. I am not attached to the outcome.
I am loved and I love. Deeply.
I have done my life’s work and if there is more for me to do, I will live. And if there is not, I might not. I am okay with this.
I am not angry. Or upset. Or scared.
I am just living. I am not going to stop looking for improvement, as long as I’m here, in this state, that is clearly my job, but I am not going to be upset if things mean no more days. I’m okay.
I love you. I love me. I take joy in us being alive.
And I will still love you, I am certain, because that is what life is all about and really all it ever was about.
Stop praying for my health to improve. Stop praying for doctors to find answers. Stop asking God or your gods for something that may not be what’s right.
Pray for peace: your own with my health. Pray that what is right to happen: be that my continued life or my death. Pray that what is best is what happens.
I am not afraid. I am not attached. Please don’t be either.
I am loved, both here and beyond and if my time has come, it has come; and if it hasn’t I will make it through this and we will just have to wake up each day and go through the glorious adventure which is life to find out which it is.
I pray for you, not for me, to be okay, to be at peace, to be loved and safe and trust that the world we live in is doing the best that it can, and we just have to keep going to see where tomorrow takes us. I pray you will stop second guessing and accept not only my health, but your own and everyone else’s and cease fighting the world and just love people as we are meant to do.
I pray for you. If you pray for me, then I ask that it simply be a prayer for continued peace.
Fresh Tweets
You are amazing. I love you girl!!
No matter my prayer, it is always for ultimately God’s will and it’s triumph – be it my peace, your peace, your health to be restored or relieved. (This might come from watching my mother’s chronic illness and knowing what a powerful positive influence it has been for her and others.)
I don’t doubt that at all – but then I think we’ve had this conversation a few times.
I think people pray or wish for you not to suffer so much. We know pain, and we see you suffer with it, and in most cases, worse than we do. And though you may be at peace with the fact that it’s possible for you to go at any point in the future, either near or not so near, we just just wish it didn’t hurt so much. Just like feeling this way for an elder whom we know it’s inevitable that they pass soon but we wish it would not be so painful for them. I guess that’s how I feel. I’m happy that you accept it, and I am happy that you are happy living life, that’s so amazing and not everyone can do that; be that strong. I just wish it would not be so painful, that’s all. I feel that way for Thad. I hate that he has to suffer to do the things that make him happy; that he has to make that choice. It hurts me knowing that he chooses to be in pain to go to dinner and a movie with me, so much that I try not to ask often.
I don’t pray, but I do wish and I feel. And I do include you in those, as do I with other friends I know who are in pain. I am not sympathetic, and I’m not sorry for you. I agree with what Thad says when he says that he was chosen to be this way because other people could not handle it like he can. I feel the same about you. That’s why you are strong. And that makes you so beautiful. I hope I made sense….
It did.
And I totally understand where people are coming from. Everyone has the best intentions, and I am grateful for that.
What I struggle with is everyone’s need to fix, to pray for healing, to offer a solution. I’m not a heavily religious person, just a spiritual one, and I respect everyone’s faith or lack there of, but find myself frustrated when I get questioned as if I must have some shortcoming to be sick. Perhaps my physical body is just frail. Perhaps that is just how I was made. Perhaps there is little we can do about it.
And I see Thad’s point too. It is a balance – between hurting at home and hurting to go out & do things. I don’t know if I choose this, I certainly wouldn’t wish it on *anyone* else… but I certainly can bear it just fine.
I have not always been at peace. You’ve read my old posts of pain, fear & sorrow. This is a place it took me time to get too. I offer the words above as a peace offering, of sorts, to let others come in this direction too. Is this easy? No. But I find that doesn’t much matter anymore.
It is life. And I am happy to be alive, and grateful for each day I wake and breathe and walk. Would it be awesome if I got better? Yes. Do I waste my energy pining for that? No. Life is a one minute at a time endeavor, I’m gonna take that way until it starts becoming available in larger chunks.
And that’s why I think you are strong and can be happy for you rather than sympathetic. Because you were able to be at peace. Although it took a bit, but you made it possible. You chose not to let it overcome *you*. I think we can weep and be sorry for those who aren’t strong enough to pull through and let the illness take over. Or I could be wrong. But I think we should be happy for those who are able to keep moving on, even with a heavy load. I think that’s the message you are giving (or rather what I received from it). I’ve never been religious either so I go on my feelings for everything, not really faith. I may have repeated myself…I’m not sure. :S