This started as a G+ post Sunday afternoon, but I realize it’s important, deeply true, and I do not want it to get lost or missed. This is truly where I am in regards to my health & my life.
This morning at devotional the topic of my health came up after the topic of attachment.
I noted to a friend that they were much more attached to my health then I am. I realize I post about it a lot, but on the whole I’m at peace with the fact that this is where I am right now. Do I love it? No, who would? But I’m not angry or mad or upset, nor do I feel like god is testing me.
I am simply put: sick.
At this point, very sick in a world that is not equipped to help me.
I can do two things with this:
1. Accept it.
2. Get angry/mad/deny/etc
And I can either lose faith in humanity, god and everything else OR I can do the best that I can with the help that I have and just take one day at a time with the resources I have hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.
Sickness of the body does not mean sickness of the soul.
I choose acceptance. I choose being happy. I choose doing my best and preparing for the worst so those I love don’t have to do it if I pass suddenly.
I choose planning to visit friends, to make my brother’s wedding, and if I don’t live to do those things? They know deep in their hearts I wanted to be there, with them, and I will be in someway or another.
I choose to live my life and not anticipate what comes next. I live in now. I accept life.
And after this past week, I accept that death really does sit just on the far side of the hour – not just the night. It is darkest before the dawn they say, but it also right before dawn that people most often die.
I say to you, right here, right now. I am at peace. I am content. I am not attached to the outcome.
I am loved and I love. Deeply.
I have done my life’s work and if there is more for me to do, I will live. And if there is not, I might not. I am okay with this.
I am not angry. Or upset. Or scared.
I am just living. I am not going to stop looking for improvement, as long as I’m here, in this state, that is clearly my job, but I am not going to be upset if things mean no more days. I’m okay.
I love you. I love me. I take joy in us being alive.
And I will still love you, I am certain, because that is what life is all about and really all it ever was about.
Stop praying for my health to improve. Stop praying for doctors to find answers. Stop asking God or your gods for something that may not be what’s right.
Pray for peace: your own with my health. Pray that what is right to happen: be that my continued life or my death. Pray that what is best is what happens.
I am not afraid. I am not attached. Please don’t be either.
I am loved, both here and beyond and if my time has come, it has come; and if it hasn’t I will make it through this and we will just have to wake up each day and go through the glorious adventure which is life to find out which it is.
I pray for you, not for me, to be okay, to be at peace, to be loved and safe and trust that the world we live in is doing the best that it can, and we just have to keep going to see where tomorrow takes us. I pray you will stop second guessing and accept not only my health, but your own and everyone else’s and cease fighting the world and just love people as we are meant to do.
I pray for you. If you pray for me, then I ask that it simply be a prayer for continued peace.